I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
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