I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
