Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
