hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
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