Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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