i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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