can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
