i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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