Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
