just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The uberlube is also flammable
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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