I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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