Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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