He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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