I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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