I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
