Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
