Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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