just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
