Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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