She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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