allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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