areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fuck appropriateness.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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