Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
