i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
