i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
