so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.