Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
