I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
