hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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