I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
