Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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