you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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