Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
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I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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