Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A bitchslap is in order.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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