k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
