just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
