Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood