I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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