Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
