Who wears a wallet chain?!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
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