Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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