I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
