My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
