Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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