6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
