im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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