I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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