I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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