Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
