some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
