Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
