I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
