well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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