remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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