My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
