On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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