woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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