I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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