giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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