great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
