I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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